


Hesitation

by Kanjikan



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), Korean Actor RPF, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Bts play supporting roles, F/M, Future Fic, M/M, Smut, actor jisoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2019-10-07 00:21:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanjikan/pseuds/Kanjikan
Summary: Namjoon feels alone while being surrounded by people who love him. He’s grown immune to the deafening cheers of his fans. His dark thoughts return after every stage, he feels vulnerable and neglected even while with the woman he loves. He’s tempted to try and change, tempted to let some light into his life... but he hesitates.





	1. September 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: there are time jumps in this fic as it is set in the future.

So many reporters have asked when we’re going to enlist in the military. It’s been 2 months of constant questions surrounding our enlistment plans. Jin hyung got his conscription notice this week and everyone seems to think that it’s the end of BTS. Our fans have started online polls on whether we enlist together or enlist individually and all the attention and pressure has me back in a dark headspace. 

It usually takes a day or two to clear my mind, i’ll take a long walk in the community park or visit an obscure bookstore and all will be well. But this time the gray feeling sinks deep in my stomach. My eyes are constantly aching and I’ve been feeling overly irritable. My nutritionist says it’s all the ramen I’ve been having on tour, my therapist says it’s the responsibility and accountability I take on despite knowing that not everything rests on my shoulders, and lastly my mom thinks it’s because I need to settle down and get married.

Neither of these explanations sits well with me. I think I’m just tired.. tired of my every move being watched and criticized, tired of having to schedule in free time to think. I’m just tired... 

It’s getting colder and my body feels achey and I know that this will be our last award season as seven members for a while. BTS is still at the top and gaining more prestige by the day. I’m anxious about performing, I’ve had a couple of injuries this year and I know I’m not in the best shape and every part of me just wants to quit while I’m ahead but my members... my members deserve a leader they can count on.

“Namjoon-ah!”  
*Knock knock knock*

“Namjoon-ah!”

I jump from surprise at hearing my studio door being banged on, the voice is familiar so I rub at my chest to ease my surprise.

“Coming just one second Hoseok-ah!”, I yell. 

The second the door opens I see he’s not alone, “Jisoo’s back and she came to see our hardworking leader. Wah!! Seeing her here makes me miss being in a relationship.”

Jisoo grins and pushes Hoseok starting a 5 minute play fighting match with both of them running around the hallway. 

“Ok! Ok! I take it back, I want to be single forever!”, he says as he lays collapsed on the floor. 

I’m leaning on the studio door when Jisoo jumps on me forcing me to hug her close. I can tell she’s out of breath because I can feel her hyperventilating, she smells like outside during a cold day and fruity lip balm. I put her down and grab her hands and as expected they feel like icicles. 

“Namjoon-ah we’re gonna have a meeting in 50 minutes with PD hyung, and as always it was a pleasure seeing you Jisoo!”

Hoseok is already back in his studio before either of us have time to answer.

As I look back at her I realize I’ve been rubbing her hands warm her up fro the past minute, she looks up at me like I’ve just done something funny.”

“You stopped texting me back 12 hours ago so I got worried. I thought I’d check your cave before my next schedule.” 

I smirk at her knowing she texted hoseok first, we walk into the studio hand in hand and I sit her down in my chair as I take a seat on one of the guest seats. She looks so pretty right now, sleep still in her eyes and hastily done makeup she probably did in the car ride over. 

“Where’s your manager?”, I ask.

“He’s waiting for me right outside the 7/11. Why? Should I ask him to park and come in?”

“No that’s ok, maybe I’ll pass by tomorrow.”

I can tell she wants to stay but I know I can’t fake it for much longer.

“How was LA?”

“It was LA, same as always... Listen Namjoon-ah I wanted to pass by because I’m worried but also because I feel like it’s been harder and harder to get in touch with you these days.”

“Jisoo-yah..”

“No!.. stop let me just get this off my chest. At first I thought you were cheating on me but after talking to Hoseok I realized you just stopped talking to everyone these past few weeks. I want to be there for you but I also need my boyfriends support. I’ve been back in Seoul for 3 days and this is the first time I’m seeing you.”

By the time she’s done talking I see her eyes get glassy and her face get red and I realise I’ve fucked up. I quickly pull her onto my lap and tuck her face in my neck as I sooth her by patting her back. 

After about 3 minutes I interrupt the silence in the studio, “ I’m sorry baby, I never wanted to make you feel like this. I’ve been... I’ve been busy. Our album needs some last minute tweaking and awards are coming up and with Jin hyungs conscription notice everyone has been down my throat about solo activities and company events. I’m just burnt out.”

Jisoo takes my face in her hands and starts kissing me, I’m surprised at first but that quickly melts away as I feel her tongue seeking permission. Our kiss quickly deepens as she roughly grabs my hair pulling my head back and exposing my neck. She attacks my neck trying to temporarily mark my skin. 

Jisoo loves hickeys, when we first started dating the company makeup staff had to go through enough concealer to stock a small cosmetics store. At first I thought it was a cute reminder of her but then I realized how possesive she is. She is obsessed with marking me and no headline about my promiscuity or my violent tendencies would deter her from marking my skin. 

Even as I’m lost in my thoughts I feel the blood rushing to the lower half of my body. Jisoo notices because she’s adjusting herself on my lap. She’s straddling me and kissing me and I feel my anxiety melting away...

*Knock knock knock*

“Namjoon-ah, meeting in 5 minutes.”


	2. The beginning

The first time I saw her she was a trainee visiting her company sunbaes at inkigayo. She was nervous and kept walking by our waiting room. At first I thought she was a fan but when she looked at jimin blankly after he offered her a sandwich I knew she had no idea who we were. 

Bts was still considered obscure back then so jimin just shyly retreated leaving her confused in the hallway. 

The next time I saw her she was whistling on my computer screen, she had just debuted under one of the most influential companies in the country, and she looked sexy but in an unattainable way. She was Jisoo of Blackpink and I knew that she would have every man’s eyes following her everywhere she went. 

The third time I saw her I knew I could never be good enough for her, we were at a first time award show with a low grade sound system and technical glitches staining every performance of the night.. My members already figured out which member of blackpink they were gonna crush on, I felt my eyes being drawn to her, her mics volume was much too high for the backing track and her group members mics were turned off. She was trying to carry the whole performance but she looked worn out from dancing. It was only half way through the first song and I could hear her heavy breathing echoing through the speakers of the hall. She looked disheartened and pissed off but she pushed through it. When the performance finally ended and the audience gave a half-hearted applause I saw her turn towards me and beam. She could have been smiling at any of my members but I knew then that she was conscious of me.

The first time we spoke was 3 years later, it wasn’t at an award show or a celebrity get together, it was at an airport. I had seen her at awards and on my screen countless time and had developed a half-hearted crush on her but nothing could prepare me for our first coffee together. I was heading to Taiwan to take a connecting flight to Laos for our latest season of Bon Voyage, I stayed behind for the first day because of our album deadline. I walked into Incheon airport expecting zero fanfare because the members were already in Laos but I was wrong. I walked into a zoo, there were less flashing camera lights but no barricades separating fans from crowding you. My manager panicked because he thought I’d get rushed by fans but no one noticed us. Maybe it’s because I was wearing a padded coat with my hood pulled up or maybe because they weren’t my fans but I made it into the business lounge without a problem. It was the lounge that ultimately got us together. I walked in expecting celebrities and professional looking travelers but it was empty. I had the whole lounge to myself which was great but I immediately regretted sending my manager to pick up a couple books and coffee for me at the book store. It felt lonely in the lounge, I slowly reclined in a seat in the corner to try and get a bit of rest before we start boarding, that lasted about 5 minutes before I heard her laugh. 

“Unnie! There are so many fans today!” “Wah!! Guys look the lounge is empty!” “Unnie I’m hungry, can we get Taco Bell?” “Rosie-yah I want dukkbokki too.” “Ok, Lisa and chaeyong-ah you both go and get food and take manager oppa I’m just gonna call my mom and tell her we’re about to take off.” “Arraso unnie, do you want anything?” “Coffee, please.” I was awake during this whole exchange, sitting on a reclining chair in a hidden corner of the lounge. Looking back I was definitely being creepy but I panicked, everything clicked together when I heard their conversation, I saw the light sticks throughout the airport this morning and there was a feeling of hysteria among the airline staff. I should have known, Blackpink. I got lost in my thoughts about where they could be going and whether or not anyone was still in the lounge when my phone started ringing. *ring ring ring* I continued laying down hoping that no one was here to notice my phone wailing. The sound was so loud that I started flailing to shut the sound off. When I finally shut it off I heard her nervously approaching me, I could tell she didn’t recognize me because I still had my mask on and my hoodie covering most of my head. “Excuse me sir, umm, are you a fan? If you are I have no problem taking a picture and signing an autograph just please don’t hide in the lounge.” I stayed silent out of sheer confusion when she continued, “ I promise I won’t call security and if you’re a reporter I ask that you not publish any photos you took in the lounge.” I think about whether or not to respond or just take my mask off. I go with the second option and as I remove my mask and take off my hood I see recognition dawning on her face. “BTS sunbaenim?” I can’t help the giggle that escapes my mouth. “Anyaegaseyo, I’m RM of BTS I apologize for surprising you. I fell asleep since the lounge was empty, I didn’t expect anyone else to come until they call us to board the plane.” She nervously laughs and start to bows a couple of times. I return her bows and flash her a reassuring smile. “Umm it’s no problem, are you headed to taiwan like us?” “Yeah, I’m taking a connecting flight from Taipei. Hey, can I grab my backpack and maybe we can sit and talk because I have a leg injury and we’re in a lounge filled with empty seats. Haha” “Oh of course sunbaenim.” She was blushing and it made me nervous, how could someone as beautiful as her blush because of me. It was a constant battle remembering to be confident in my ability to perform and speak and act like a celebrity but I always truly felt inadequate when it came to looking like a celebrity. Maybe it’s all the hate comments I got early on in my career or maybe it’s just because no one calls me handsome when I’m standing next to my members. But whenever any female attention is directed towards me I always internally remind myself that it’s because of respect and not because of attraction. But seeing her lookup at me all doe-eyed looking like a lost puppy as I set my bag down at the window facing seats made me realize I had a chance. I had a chance at love.. with her. “Sunbaenim are you hungry? I can ask my members to pick something up for you if you like.” “No, that’s alright I’m good thank you.” I can see her thoughts running through her head a mile a minute when she turns to me again in her seat and says, “Umm is it ok if I call my mom?” I can’t help but start laughing, my first real laugh since leaving the studio last night. I feel myself relaxing as I see her looking at me petulantly like I’m mocking her. “Jisoo shi, May I ask how old you are?”

“I’m 25 sunbae.”

“Ok perfect, so stop calling me sunbae and start calling me chingoo because we’re the same age. You can speak to me informally and of course you can speak to your parents. Who am I to tell you otherwise. I’m not the kind of sunbae that’s gonna hold your attention hostage Jisoo... yah.”

She started laughing so cutely, her face scrunched up and her mouth turned into a crescent. “Wah.. you must be a ladies man sunbae.”

“Ladies man? What makes you say that?”

“Well we’ve spoken for less than 5 minutes and already you want to be friends.”

I could see she was pulling my leg and testing how far i’d go to prove that my friendliness was harmless. I had no intention of playing along. 

“Hmm.. Chingoo-yah how about you call your parents so they know your safe and we can continue flirting after?”

She was stunned, literally speechless. Her face turned red and she excused herself to make the call. The rest of the day was like a dream. Our conversation was awkward at first but it became more natural once she started telling me about their concert preparations and how hard touring has been. I found myself hanging on to every last word she said. Her members and manager showed up and everyone was surprised to find us on the floor giggling while watching 4 minute video of us making brief eye contact and a romantic back track. I had no idea people shipped us. Her members were sweet and polite but held no punches when it came to teasing her about the video. 

We ended up boarding the plane separately but were seated 3 seats away. I wanted to ask if we could sit together but didn’t want to overwhelm her by coming on too strong. My manger had this smug look on his face every time he saw me look over at her and finally suggested I give her my number. That was the beginning of us. Looking back I can’t help but smile at how innocent our intentions were, we were affection starved and needed consoling in this harsh industry.


	3. Goosebumps

It came in waves, the excitement, the caution, and the lust. Everything she did or said was captivating. My impression of her personality was underwhelming at award shows. Jisoo and her members showed very little of their personalities while speaking to an audience. Speaking to her in person on the other hand was delightful, listening to her ramble about the governments negligence concerning fine dust and it’s effects on public health and safety left me surprised. She was remarkable. When ever I looked at her I found myself falling for her fast, I loved the wrinkles on her face when she scrunched her nose and the way she squints her eyes when she’s amused. He was so beautiful and quirky, she still is.

On our first date. I wanted to make a nice impression so I rented out the sky lounge at Namsan tower. It was extravagant, audacious, and completely unnecessary. I wanted to make an impression and show her how much I valued her company. She was flattered but not impressed. I remember her coming out of the elevator looking shocked at how beautiful the view was and then her mood immediately shifted to uncomfortable. We had a glass of champagne then she became fidgety and almost frightened looking. 

“Jisoo, May I ask if you’re alright? Are you scared of heights or do you not like champagne?”

I have to admit I was a little annoyed at her reaction, this date had taken 2 weeks and connections from my label to pull off, this not including the price tag for reserving the sky lounge for the evening. 

“Umm.. Namjoon shi this is amazing but I’m a little surprised and maybe even burdened by all of this. I expected dinner and a movie, or maybe drinks and walking by the Han river but I never even imagined this. I mean look at me I’m wearing an over sized sweater dress.”

I couldn’t disagree with her assessment of the date and I admired her for it. The date was not me and was a misleading expectation of what it would be like to be with me. In that moment I made a decision to not become the pretentious celebrity that I was so used to reading about in gossip columns or watching in dramas but myself; namjoon. I had also noticed that she was using honorifics again which meant I was doing something wrong.

“Jisoo-yah this may have been a miscalculation on my part. I’ve been interested in you for some time now and I can’t believe that I have the pleasure of taking you out on a date. I have to agree that maybe this was a little bit too extravagant but I want our firsts to be special. I want you to understand how I feel about you through actions and not words because I’ve been told told that I talk too much. I let my insecurity get the better of me. And please we’re the same age, no need to use honorifics.

She quietly giggled, she reached over and took my hand in hers, “Ok Namjoonah.” She caressed my hand in the most loving way, I felt warm everytime she laced her fingers with mine that night. We spent the rest of our dinner chatting about our families and where we went to school. When dessert came she had a glimmer in her eyes that told me she had a sweet tooth.

The chocolate mouse and strawberry cheesecake were exquisite and we were silent while devouring our dessert. 

We decided to take a walk after dinner, there is a walkway around Namsan tower that has beautiful historic houses. It was frigid that night and I remember her nose turning red the second we stepped outside. 

“Wah, you’re quite adorable aren’t you! You look like Rudolph right now!”

“Look whose talking, you ears look like they hurt from how red they are.”

She started blowing hot breath on her hands and brought them both up to warm my ears. It was the cutest thing I’d ever seen anyone do for me. Then she started hopping from foot to foot to try and get rid of the chill. 

“You really are adorable, aren’t you.”

I took off my scarf and draped it around her face covering her mouth and nose and held her hand inside my pocket. 

Our walk lasted for about 10 minutes before both our teeth started chattering.  
We both didn’t want our date to end so we took a cab back to my apartment.  
Now, the properties of my members have been publicized in recent years. That’s due to them buying properties using their names, I had no intention of making that mistake. My sisters name is on the deed of my apartment and so far no media outlet has caught on. It’s designed with minimalistic aesthetic, it has a view of the Han river and a huge plunge tub so all in all I’m happy.

Every member of bts currently resides in our dorms for at least 70% of the time but for the remaining 30% we have our own places to seek comfort. I rarely spend any time at my place though. The reason we have our own places is due to the fact that half our band is in long term relationships while the other half has mastered the art of one night stands. It was Suga hyung that suggested we not bring anyone over to the dorms as to not complicate our group dynamic and make each other feel uncomfortable. 

As a result of not visiting my apartment often, it was a bit sparse. All I had in my kitchen was a 6 pack of beer, ramen, and dried squid which perfectly enough were all things jisoo liked. 

The rest of my apartment was pretty sparse as well. My living room had a tv, couch, bookshelf, and coffee table. That’s it. Nothing to liven up the place just cold surfaces. 

At first I though it was mistake to bring Jisoo over considering how barren the space looked but she reassured me, “wow, you must have a lot of money. This place looks like a chaebols house.”

At that statement I burst out laughing, “hAhA, thanks but if that’s what you think about this place you should see my group mates houses.”

My cold apartment quickly got warmer and warmer as the night went on. I brought my duvet cover out into the living room and turned up the heat to make it nice and toasty. Jisoo made us 2 packs of ramen and I put on Black Panther II for us. We quickly went through 2 cans of beer each and were working on our third when i noticed jisoo fanning herself. 

“Jisoo, you alright? Do you want some water?”

She was blowing the hair out of her face and her cheeks were comepletely red and puffed up as she said, “too hot in here, can you give me something to wear?”

As she was speaking she pulled her sweater dress over her head revealing her bra, underwear, and stockings. I choked on my beer and jumped up and took off my shirt to give too her. She huffed looking exasperated, “I meant from your closet not the clothes you’re wearing.”

I was drunk and probably squinting at her but I couldn’t look away. It took her a minute to get my shirt on and in that time my eyes roamed around her body. Drinking her up with my eyes, her skin looked so soft and milky. A red blush travelled down her neck to her chest, a result of her drunken state. She was wearing lingerie which makes me suspect she prepared for the possibility of us getting intimate. White lace covering her breasts that bounced as she pulled my shirt on. I could feel my drunken haze threatening to push me to make a move to soon. 

“I don’t have anything in my closet, not even socks or boxers.”

“So you’re gonna stay shirtless the entire night?”

“Well the movie is almost done, and I can put my blazer on if I need too. Don’t worry about it.”

“Ok, this might be my drunk brain talking right now but you look nice shirtless. Can I touch your arms? This looks nice.”

I was ecstatic, “yeah, sure weirdo. Come over here.”

She finally stood up off the floor after taking her last drink of beer, my shirt enveloped her body but was soft enough to hug her curves in all the right places. She looked a little woozy and unsteady as she got up so I stood and put an arm around her to steady her. We both sat next to each other on the couch. 

I sat in the corner while she sat next to me lightly squeezing my arms, “do you work out? I mean your chest and arms look big and muscular but not in the typical muscle head type of way.”

“I did on tour because it was a part of our schedule but I don’t have time too nowadays. Most of the muscle I have is from performances though. Dancing with that much high energy and at the pace we keep can build a lot of muscle in a short amount of time.”

“I always noticed how hard you guys go during your performances, I have to admit that watching you perform is extremely sexy.”

“Oh yeah, well thanks I’m glad you feel that way because I feel the same about you.”

Jisoo started running her nails along my bicep to my shoulder and neck to the peak of my nipple, scratching softly, tasing goosebumps on my chest.

“You know when I watched you give speeches at year end awards, I used to think how handsome you were and how well spoken you come across and after spending time with you the sentiment has only grown.”

I feel my heart swell and my self control slipping. I open my mouth to say something but I falter knowing that nothing I say can express what I feel about her. I drop my guard and inhibitions and kiss her. 

A kiss deserving of sonnets as cliche as that sounds. I could feel tingles all the way down to my toes. Her hands landed on my chest with a thud, her mouth was so inviting, soft and pliant, and always giving as good as she got. My fingers grasped onto her silky strands of hair as she let my tongue explore her mouth. Her breath was hot and she tasted like beer. As we separated I glanced at her mouth finding her tongue poking between her lips looking like a kitten.

She was now sitting on my lap legs separated on either side of me. Her pupils blown and a slight redness on her cheeks.  
Every ounce of my body wanted her in that moment but she was drunk and I knew we needed to talk before anything could go any further.

“Jisoo-yah, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing. Thank you for letting me kiss you and accompanying me on this date tonight but I can’t go any further tonight without you explicitly telling me you want too.”

“Her eyes hardened, I’m literally sitting on you in your t-shirt. Isn’t that an obvious enough indicator of what I want.”

I had been told many times by my exes and my close friends that I have a tendency of overthinking and over explaining things. This is a prime example of that but I still feel it’s imperative to make yourself clear and to get your concerns across. It the fiber of my character.

“We’re drunk and until this moment I had no intention of having sex with you tonight. And if you decide that you don’t want to have sex then I’m ok with that, but if you do want to sleep with me then I need you to say it. I never want to assume and I know that my decision making skills and self control while drunk can be a little iffy so I want you to have the control I want you to decide. Either way I want you to know that the only think that’s stopping me from fucking you into the floor right now is your permission. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted.” 

Her eyes softened at my words and she relaxed, “You’re such a smooth talker. Namjoon, I want to have sex.”

It took me less that a second after the words were out of her mouth to flip her over onto her back and into the corner of the couch. She breathed out a surprised laugh and I kissed her hard. Our teeth clanked for a moment until we found our rhythm. Her lips were so small and edible, matched with my plumper lips it made kissing a wrestling match to see who could make the other melt. Jisoo ended up winning, she knibbled at my bottom lips and my dick jolted.

Undressing happened in a flash, my shirt was already off so all that was left was my pants and boxers. In one move both were off. Jisoo lay staring at me making no moves to remove my t-shirt off her body.  
I picked her up and her legs quickly wrapped around my waist and I moved us along with my blankets and duvet set to the rug behind my couch with a view over looking the Han river. She holds on to me while I lay her down in a little blanket pile on the floor. 

She looked like a dream, hair fanning out on the pillow, cheeks rosy, garter belt peaking out from under my t-shirt. Goose bumps rise all over her thighs as I lift her legs and unclip and pull off her garter belt and stockings. She shivers as I kiss my way from the sole of her foot to the center of her lace underwear. I mouth at her rubbing my face all over the lace. I remove her panties in a frenzy. When faced with the delicate pink folds, I look up to find nervousness etched in jisoo’s face. “You know I thought I knew what beauty was before meeting you and now you’ve tilted my perspective. How does it feel to ruin every other woman for me?” I could tell she had a snarky comeback on the tip of her tongue when I quickly went down on her. The next time I looked up her eyes were glazed and her back was arched ready for me. Her cum coated my mouth, and I her pussy tightened around the tip of my toungue. I focused my energy on stimulating her clit and sucking and biting at her slick lips. She tasted like water and I couldn’t get enough of the heat radiating out her. A new wave of her lubricant dripped into my mouth for me to lap up. She had cum thrice so far and her bra had been discarded long ago. My fingers were pinching her nipples while she writh underneath me begging me to relent. “NAMJOON, ahhh, nam-JOONAH.. ah uhh ahh..” She started crying after the waves washed through her. She sniffled as I aligned myself with her opening. My dick had been leaking for the past 20 minutes but I had to make sure to delay gratification or else it wouldn’t be as pleasurable. I ripped open the condom packet in my wallet labeled “ultra ultra thin latex” and slowly entered her tight opening. “Ahhhhh, no wait too big, wait namjoon, it hurts.” “Jisoo, look at me, look at me! I’m gonna go very slow but I need you to look into my eyes. I know it hurts but that’s because you’re tensing up baby. I need you to breath with me, relax.. yes that’s it. Look at me, jisoo do you see how good you make me feel? How delicious you taste, how right it feels to be inside you?” She’s looking at me with tears in her eyes, I can tell she’s feeling over whelmed so I kiss her hard. Long, deep, thrusting into her slowly as she shudders and continues weeping.” “Baby, do you want to stop? Am I hurting you?” Her breathing comes out labored, “I’m Ok, just keep kissing me please.” With that I take my time as I rock back inside her, feeling the soft velveting folds of her pussy lips to the unbearably tight walls pulsing against my dick. I feel as heard as steele and coated in cum as I slip deep inside her. Our tongues wrestle and lightly flutter against each other as a throb from her core reverberates through me and triggers a release. I jerk as my spine tingles and the head of dick throbs trying my best to hold off my orgasm. I drop down enveloping her in my arms as I fuck into her like a rag doll accelerating with each thrust. I pound into her until I feel her legs tightening around me holding me in place. “Fuck! Fuck! Jisoo ahh, FUCK!” Her pussy pulls me in deeper as her walls vibrate and I combust, I shudder and start speaking gibberish as she tightens and continues to milk me. Our breathing is labored as I wraps her in my arms. We kiss lazily until I have to get up to remove and throw out the condom. I return with a bottle of water that we both share, we stay awake with her laying on me snuggled into my chest while I wrap us both with a blanket as we watch the sunrise.


	4. Choices

Being a Male idol in South Korea and dating is a professional risk and personal indulgence, but dating as a female idol meant professional suicide and a very complicated personal life. When assessing risk the female participant always prepares to take the brunt of the negative press.

It’s an archaic concept formed out of fear and jealousy that the imaginary boyfriend you dream about is suddenly living a secret life without you. I never understood spending valuable energy pushing hate and jealousy into the world ...until the scandal. 

——-///———///———///—-

The first 5 months of our relationship was smooth sailing. We texted each other everyday and spent hours on the phone with each other on our breaks. We both had spring releases so we saw each other at broadcast stations and learned that our groups were on friendly terms for the most part. The maknaes had been teasing me ever since I showed up back at the dorm after our first date smelling like sex. To them my new relationship was unexpected and maybe even random, they naturally started calling Jisoo noona whenever they wanted to interrupt my calls or saw us sitting next to each other at inkigayo dry rehearsals. 

My hyungs teased me a bit less than the maknaes, maybe it’s because they’re both in serious relationships or because they think we suit each other but I remember yoongi hyungs big fatherly smile when I told him about jisoo. He looked proud of me. Hope-ah was a different story all together, him and jisoo hit it off immediately. They're both the same age and vibe off of each other’s positivity, plus they were already personally acquainted before they had me in common. Jisoo’s groupmate Lisa was a personal fan of Hobi’s dance style for years, contributing to their friendliness. 

We had apartment dates every week I was in Seoul, we had car dates whenever we had no schedule, we made time for each other until my world tour. BTS had a 4 month world tour lined up for the summer and tours always sucked the life out of me. Don’t get me wrong I love seeing fans and performing on stage, it’s always been my dream but performing a 3 hour set list with non stop choreography twice a day, every other day is brutal on me physically and mentally.

The last day we could spend together before my tour was big for us, it would determine whether or not we could stay strong during my grueling tour schedule. My love was true so.. I bought her a ring... I know, I jumped the gun but to be fair it was promise ring. Promise rings are pretty common in Korean culture and it’s more of a couple item than a piece of jewelry that signifies long term commitment.

We had a weekend trip to Busan, had enough sex to last us at least until the first leg of my tour and exchanged gifts. Jisoo actually cried when I gave her the ring and I felt like I accomplished something, like seeing her cry from joy cemented my love for her. She gave me an engraved necklace. A name plate necklace that says “rm” and has her name engraved on the back of the “r”.  
She clasped it around my neck whispering, “Now, I know I can always be close to you on tour”.

You have to understand that I had never fallen for a celebrity before, and it’s definitely not in my nature to just jump into a relationship with how micromanaged my life is. That being said I momentarily felt at ease with Jisoo, like my head stopped spinning and I could breathe. I finally felt love, I knew the unbeatable high that I could get from being around her wouldn’t last long but i found myself dreaming about her and waking up with a smile on my face for the first couple of weeks of the tour.

The dreams turned into a never ending nightmare in New York. Our press schedule was grueling and we had a 3 day residence at City field. We were pumped but still exhausted. Jin hyung had a vocal nodule that meant his voice needed rest, Hoseok’s joints had been locking up, and yoongi hyung looked like he was in pain after every show. 

Everyone was stressed about the toll the tour would take on our aging bodies but no one was more worried than me.  
I was responsible for most of the speaking while touring North America and that left me constantly second guessing myself. Translating for my group and finding suitable answers in english was stressful. I found myself in my hotel room burnt out most nights, I couldn’t will myself to talk to my family let alone Jisoo which meant we resorted to texting a few times a day about nothing of importance until the scandal made headlines. 

It happened in the middle of the night right before our schedule at a New York morning show. I was supposed to be showered and out of the hotel room by 4am so I was in the middle of shaving when the phone calls started coming in. I thought it was just manager hyung making sure I was awake but then someone started banging at the door and I knew something was wrong. 

*bang bang bang*

A muffled voice sounded from the hallway, “hyung! Open up! Bang PD is Skyping with Sejin hyung and they’re asking for you!”

Hearing jungkook talking through the door made my stomache do flips. Usually the only time Bang PD Skype's is when we’ve booked something groundbreaking. I rushed out of the bathroom with just a towel around my waist and shaving cream still on my face. 

“Kook-ah, I’m coming chill out.”

I unlock the door and see that he’s not alone, PR noonah and 2 other managers are waiting for me, “ umm, is everything ok?”

“Namjoonah, get dressed and meet us in the business room downstairs, we’re having an emergency meeting.”

“Noona, what is this about?”

“There are pictures of you and a Blackpink member in a car together.”


	5. The Unavoidable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love comments, let me know how I’m doing :)
> 
> also be warned, this chapter has mentions of depression, self-harm, and suicide.

As a kid I had what I define as "simple happiness", I collected Pokemon cards, I showed my friends and family regular affection, and managed to talk excitedly about everything. Puberty hit me hard as a teenager, I started dreaming about becoming a rapper and I had confidence in my rhyming ability. My friends had the same interests as me and that helped encourage my dream but every time I rapped in front of someone I admired I lost all confidence. My dad hated rap, just hated the concept of shouting about prejudice and injustice while adlibbing about swag every few verses. He thought it would be a fleeting hobby but still discouraged it every chance he got. He eventually saw that it wasn't just a hobby and got me lessons with a local MC. My "simple happiness" had morphed into the pursuit of my dream. Getting cast by BIGHIT was easy, Bang PD and I had similar visions but training was harder than I imagined. There were times training was so hard that my clothes would be dripping with sweat. My members gave me the most strength when I was struggling as a trainee but what they couldn't help me with was my lack of self worth. After we debuted we struggled with our confidence, our momentum, and our living conditions. We promoted 6 days a week and practiced 7 days a week leaving little time for rest. We ate mostly ramen as we couldn't afford the cheapest of ingredients for homemade dishes. I was spiraling, and I was spiraling fast.

South Korean society wasn't impressed with Bangtan Sonyeondan, we were outcasts at every broadcast station. Sunbaes mocked us and Hoobaes found more success in one week of promotions that we did in a year. Our morale was low, our producers suggested we push up the release of my mixtape and that’s what pushed me over the edge. I was in a dark place already but the criticism I received after my first mixtape was a serious blow. Comments under every article about me were negative, people called my ugly, a fake rapper, even suggesting I kill myself to ease the burden of my group members and I eventually started agreeing with them. I started self harming for little under a year when Jungkook finally came into my studio one night and started crying. He cried harder than I'd ever seen that happy go lucky kid cry saying, "Hyung, please don't kill yourself. Please! For me, Please for everyone, for you! Please don't kill yourself! " It turned out he was eavesdropping while I was recording a song about suicide and he thought that I would actually kill myself. I'm not sure if I would have but I didn’t tell Jungkook that, I reassured him, gave him a big hug, and took him out to get some ice cream but that was when I knew I needed to tell someone.

I love my mom more than anyone in this world which is why i just couldn't go to her with this, so I went to the next best thing with a proven record of straightening me out, my dad. He hadn't seen me in person in at least 6 months and right away he knew something was wrong. We went drinking by the dorm that night and I cried to him about what I was going through and he just listened, didn't comment or give advice he just patted my back and refilled my glass with soju. The next day he set up an appointment with a therapist for me, he knew I needed help and didn't want to leave my well being in the care of my agency. And it helped, I felt better after airing my grievances and coming to terms with who I am as a person and trying to filter the energies I take in and give out. My depression didn't just magically disappear though. It's a part of me, just like my big face and thick legs it's an imaginary limb a take with me everywhere I go. I wear it like a cologne, some days the scent is stronger than others but it's hard to place unless you've smelled it before. People are just willing to ignore it, it's the ones who don't that are worthwhile. 

\--------------------------

I sat to right of the lead manager, with all my group members either sitting or standing to my left. To the right of Sejin hyung was two other managers, a secretary, and a PR assistant. We were all facing a monitor with a bright boardroom filled with executives and Bang Shi Hyuk producer sitting at the head of the table. Major stock holders had representatives seated and companies with endorsement deals were also connected via satellite. 

“Namjoonah, as of this second 3 publications are running a story about you and Jisoo shi allegedly dating. We have 3 options for dealing with a situation such as this. The first option is we deny the relationship and try to block all media coverage, second is we confirm and deal with the fallout, and third is we give an ambiguous statement about friendship. What do you propose?”

“Have you contacted her agency?”

“We tried to reach out but they haven’t gotten back to us, would you like to try to contact Jisoo-shi? We'll give you a 10 minute break but listen, if you end up getting in touch keep in mind she's in the same situation as you are and her agency will give her less freedom when giving a statement. Don't get easily offended, try and think clearly for the both of you, you both have a lot to lose. ”

I walked out of the conference room feeling dizzy, my members had been giving me supportive glances for the the past few minutes with jimin throwing himself at me with open arms for a hug as I got up to make the call. As I dialed her number I felt my fingers feeling a bit numb on the touch screen, slowly as the sound of ringing filling my head I made my way to the main lobby to take a seat. As I heard the familiar voice of the operator instructing me on how to leave a voice message fear started sinking in. The lobby was fairly empty with just me, concierge, and an elderly woman with a little kid sitting in another couch area with 3 suitcases filling the space beside them. The little kid was playing a game on his phone while what I assume is his grandmother was also on her phone. The sight made me even sadder than I already was and my thoughts spiraled, would my life be solely lived out through a glass screen. Would peoples love and affection stop the moment I became romantically unavailable, would Jisoo love me if no one else did? That question lingered, would she resent me for this? Without fame would I be desirable enough for her, would I be able to find happiness? 

As I got lost in my thoughts I didn't realize I was crying. The wetness on my face traveled down my neck getting absorbed by my tshirt. I started hyperventilating knowing that this was the start of a panic attack. I had a handful of panic attacks after our Run promotions so it had been years since my last one and that made me even more fearful. I bent forward on the couch to try and breath in some more air but nothing was working. My vision was cloudy when I felt a soothing hand on my back asking me to count down,  
10, 9 ,8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1.

My breathing started to even out and I realized the elderly woman was holding me still.

As I finished thanking her in the best english I could conjure up, my phone started ringing with the screen lit up with Sejin hyungs face, "Namjoon come back to the conference room, they released a statement."


	6. Sicko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the love!!  
> Please keep in mind that this is a f/m and m/m fic!  
> I hope you stay along for the ride :)

“We had no idea about this, we are looking into it.”

The statement was read aloud by the noona in charge of public relations. It echoed through the room because of the sound system in the Big hit office reflecting back.

Hoseok got up and silently gave me a napkin and a bottle of water. My face was still tear stained from my earlier breakdown and I felt like everyone was communicating in slow motion. Taehyung reached over and held my hand, not tight enough to cut off my circulation but tight enough to snap me out of my trance.

"I would suggest we wait until their next statement but I'm assuming that this is just them stalling until we release our own statement."  
Bang PD hyung got up and started pacing on the screen, he's been losing more and more weight since the birth of his first son and he'd never looked better but i could see the worry on his face as he spoke, "Joonah have you spoken to Jisoo shi?".

"No, hyungnim."

"Alright well I don't think it's a good idea to stall. You're fans deserve better than that."

"I agree, If you'll give me an hour to write something up I'll have handwritten letter ready to post. I respect my fans too much to hide behind my company."

"Good man, I'll give you an hour tops because in the last half an hour more than 300 articles have been written about you. You're not just a korean hallyu star anymore, the whole world has a stake in your success and you're demise."

\----------------------------------------------

june 4th, 2020

Everyday I wake up knowing I make people smile and for that I'm eternally grateful. With each day I learned something new about myself and about all of you, my precious army. I started out this dream scared, looking over my shoulder after every insult and compliment never sure what to absorb or leave behind. Through the years you gave me purpose, you gave me love, and you gave me a chance at true happiness. With that chance i found even more reasons to live vigorously, I found someone to live for, and a love to cherish. I give no empty apologies for you all deserve better than a fraud begging you to stay, but I offer condolences for those grieving for something lost. I have loved you and will always love you, whether you've come and gone or stayed a constant in my life please know we walk the same path hand in hand because you never walk alone. 

Always yours,  
Kim Namjoon

\----------------------------------------------

"We have confirmed that they are only close Sunbae and Hoobae who happen to be the same age. They met up a few times with good feelings but they have since lost touch because of their busy schedules. Any false information will be met with harsh legal action." 

It was now 5:37am EST, we were all packed into the van on our way to times square for our morning show appearance. I had calmed down since posting my letter on twitter and on the fancafe, the feedback was so positive that my faith in humanity was revived. I was sipping coffee and reading naver when I saw YG Entertainment made a second statement regarding the scandal, as I read the statement I felt a needle slowly piercing through me deflating any hope I had left.

I had been burned.... and we were scheduled to go on air at 7am, we were expected to perform and have a 7 minute interview about our new album and world tour. That was when I knew I had to shut it down shut every emotion inside of me down and step the fuck up. I picked up the phone and dialed my dad, I knew he'd be awake because he had y name saved on google alerts.

"Ouri seki-ya, appa is here, it's been hard on you huh?"

"Yes, I'm going on air soon, please make sure omma stays calm her heart is weak. I'm gonna call you tomorrow and we'll have a long talk ok."

"Adil, be careful, eat all your meals on time and take your vitamins. Saranghae."

A small laugh came out of my mouth like a huff, "Saranghae."

 

We pulled up outside of ABC studios to hundreds of fans lining the streets, security has trouble with keeping the barriers standing as we slowly filed out of the van I started to hear singing, "gwaenchanha ja hana dul set hamyeon ijeo  
seulpeun gieok modu jiwo seoro soneul japgo useo

geuraedo joheun nari apeuro manhgireul  
nae mareul mitneundamyeon hana dul set  
mitneundamyeon hana dul set  
geuraedo joheun nari hwolssin deo manhgireul  
nae mareul mitneundamyeon hana dul set  
mitneundamyeon hana dul set!".

Hearing Army's sing 2!3! sent chills down my spine, Seokjin hyung was openly crying as he walked by the fans. The only member left in the van was me and as I stepped out I could hear the deafening cheers, as I bowed deeply I couldn't help but shed one last tear before I pushed through this day.

\----------------------------  
"Now RM, I hear congratulations are in order we found out just this morning that you and Blackpink member Jisoo are an item."

"Oh haha, well thank you."

"We had Blackpink here as a guest last year and those girls are wonderful."

"Yes, they are talented."

"And beautiful!! Well, stay tuned because after this commercial break we'll have a special performance live here at Times Square by non-other than mega superstars BTS!! Only on ABC."

As we got our in-ear mics set up and clipped into place Sejin Hyung ran up to me out of breath, "Namjoon-ah there's a video of you that was just posted anonymously, it's of you in the hotel lobby."

Silent laughter bubbled up in my throat after a beat the laughter turned hysterical. The video was two minutes long taken from the direction of the concierge showing a spectacularly high definition close up of me sobbing, having a panic attack, and subsequently being consoled by an elderly woman.

"Sejin hyung, it was the concierge get the video taken down and blocked if possible. And next time wait until after the performance hyung. We'll talk later and.. thanks for letting me know first."

He looked shocked at how quickly I'd composed myself, "BTS is live in 15 seconds."

"Bangtan!!" 

Everyone huddled up looking at me for guidance or assurance but they got none "Burn the stage for me today, i know we're tired but we need this. I need this! BangBangtan!!"

We killed it that day, even the audio directors gave us a standing ovations. As we made our way back to out dressing rooms my footing got unsteady, all I remember is reaching for Jungkook when I blacked out.


	7. Excuses

The 3 minute blackout was easily explained away as heat stroke but my members and big hit employees hovered around me with concern etched on their faces. They decided I needed rest and relaxation so I spent the day in my hotel room sleeping. 8 hours went by in a flash until my phone’s ringtone echoed through my room.

Jisoo’s tear streaked face was illuminated the second I picked up her FaceTime call.

“I’m sorry”

I held my breath still laying down hoping she had something to add.

“My manager took my phone and my CEO threatened to nullify my contract. I’ve been instructed not to contact you until the public loses interest or break up with you. I’m using my sisters phone, she came to check up on me at the dorm.... Namjoon! please say something!”

I sat up feeling like my body was made of cement, I cracked my neck and sighed,  
“...have you eaten?”

She huffed out a laugh, “no”.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“You know I’m not I just need us to lay low for a while, I love you.”

“Did you read my statement?”

“...Yes”

“Did you watch the video?”

“...”

“..did you?”

“Yes”

“I want to be noble and understanding right now, I want to reassure you and tell you everything will be fine but you left me out to dry and I don’t deal with abandonment well.”

“Namjoon don’t you think I want to shout out to the world that we’re together! Do you even know what I’ve had to go through? Reporters are outside my agency, the dorms, even my parents business. I’ve lost 300,000 fans from my fan cafe, netizens are spreading rumors about me seducing you and about me being a prostitute. You’re fans found out my phone number and have been calling non stop, that’s why my manager had to take it away. I’ve been sick with worry and fear. I’m afraid.... afraid that everything I’ve worked for my entire life could be wiped away by tomorrow.”

“Do you know what I’m scared of? Why I was caught on camera having a panic attack? Why I wrote a letter basically confessing my love to you? I’m scared of losing you. But now I realize I’ve already lost you.”

“You haven’t!”

“I have and you know it! If your company asked you to leave me out to dry and publicly embarrass me by denying our relationship even after I professed my love for you infront of millions and you agreed then i’ve already lost you.”

“Namjoon, just give me time. My companies stocks are plummeting and I have no wiggle room. If you could just wait until this blows over. Please don’t leave me, I can’t live without you. I’m all alone and I don’t think I’ll make it if you leave me.”

——////——/—-////——///—//-/-///———-

September 2021 

As I sit through my company meeting I realize I’ve lost a part of me again. It’s been 15 minutes since I last saw Jisoo in my studio and I can’t shake the heavy feeling of dread. I love her, I know I do but I also resent her. I knew that we were doomed but I couldn’t deny her once she started begging me to stay. 

Since I publicly confirmed the speculations about our relationship and her agency denied them, the rumors have gotten out of hand. Her fans called me a stalker and my fans called her evil and power hungry. It was a whirlwind of toxicity and we were at the center of the storm. We argued often and masked our fear with sex. Our sex life grew almost violent at times. We both grew comfortable with increasingly rough sexual habits the few times we saw each other on tour. Rumors escalated when a fan took a photo of scratch marks and hickeys on my neck. I became a rumored sexual deviant and headlines about my mysterious sex life plagued me. The most popular theory amongst the public is that I cheated on Jisoo resulting in us breaking up and me in tears in a hotel lobby. I must admit I stopped caring about anything except work during the tour. My members started treating me like I was fragile, especially jimin. He often ordered food and would coax me to have some just so that he made sure I was eating. In some ways I feel like I’ve let myself down, I worked so hard to be happy and content and one relationship has me spiraling again. “Namjoon, as the leader of the group The Blue Dragon awards want you to present the Hallyu wave awards. Is that alright?” “Alone?” “Yes, they want you all to attend but Jin, Jimin, and Hobi are going to be filming for a Lifestyle variety show, Yoongi needs to finish his solo track, Taehyung is filming his webdrama, and Jungkook is in Busan.” “So it’s because I’m the only one left? Hyung I’m busy too!” “They said they prefer you because of your speaking ability and your knowledge of dramas and cinema in general. It’s a good opportunity.” “..Ok, when is it?” “In three days, we already have a suit ready for you.” ———————-//———————//———— I walked the red carpet like all the other celebrities, let the confident facade slip into place while being blinded by photographers and being asked by the MC about who I’m excited to meet. “Everyone, acting is such a complex art form that I’m excited to meet everyone.” “A few celebrities have expressed their admiration of you, I just spoke to Ji soo shi and he told me he’s a fan of yours.” I was caught off guard by the name thinking that the MC was trying to bring up my girlfriend at a public event but relief washed over me as I realized he was referring to an actor. I couldn’t place a face to the name other than hers so I answered vaguely, “Oh wow, I’m honored!” The evening was off to a weird start, so many actors asked for an autograph or selfies. People that I looked up too saw me as a celebrity which after all these years still felt surreal. I wasn’t seated in the crowd like most of the guests, I was escorted to a champagne and appetizer bar backstage where all the presenters viewed the show. I was seated next to 3 comedians, a sunbae musician, a rookie actress, and a actor/male model from the way he walked up to fix himself a plate. The musician sunbae started discussing music theory and why folk music would outlast hip hop and edm music and although some points he made were valid it took all the strength in my body to stop myself from rolling my eyes. The rookie actress looked fresh out of her teens and I could immediately tell she was a fan because she kept trying to sneak glances at me but never actually built up the courage to talk to me. I eventually excused myself from my table to get some food. Drinking on an empty stomach was not the wise tonight. I walked up to the serving trays and picked out one of everything, hoping to relax myself enough to enjoy my meal I grabbed one more glass of champagne. Pleased with my assortment of food I turned around to make my way back to the table when I crashed into someone right behind me. Food on the ground, champagne on my face and soaking into my shirt. I immediately reddened in embarrassment and regret. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Are you alright? Let me help you clean this up, I’m so sorry.”


	8. Tension

Looking into his eyes I could feel his embarrassment, could feel his regret. 

“I’m so sorry, I wanted to come up and greet you. I’m a huge fan. I’m really so sorry.”

I could tell he was genuinely upset with the situation, his face getting increasingly crimson. I should have felt empathetic towards his situation but I just couldn’t muster up a response. Maybe it was an overload of emotion crashing down or maybe I was drunk but I could feel another panic attack coming on. The only emotion triggering my response was annoyance. 

“It’s alright, I’m more at fault than you are. I’m going to go get cleaned up, can you just tell someone to put a sign up near the broken glass so no one hurts themselves.”

I walked away without looking back knowing that my breath was getting more labored by the second. Every celebrity seated backstage looked in my direction as I entered the restroom.

I knew my manager would come find me after hearing what happened and magically appear with a new shirt.

I splashed water on my face loosening my tie, hoping that my heart rate would decrease. After what seemed an eternity of counting my breathing I finally started calming down. The front of my shirt and blazer were soaked, my back was sweaty, and my face was dripping with water. Looking in the mirror made it dawn on me that I didn’t look like myself anymore, I had lost a bit of weight and the color drained from my face. There’s no way I can present an award in this shape.

The door to the restroom slowly opened and the guy who caused this mess stepped inside. He stood sheepishly with a white button up shirt, “I hope this will help makeup for me running into you and ruining your night.”

He walked over and handed me the shirt and stepped back, “I don’t want to keep on bothering you so I’m just gonna head back.”

“No! Stay, I feel sorry for the way I acted out there. I was just a bit overwhelmed.”

“Oh no, it’s no problem.”

I could tell that his impression of me had changed, he was being polite but the way he addressed me was stand-offish.

“I know you think I’m an asshole, that’s why i’m apologizing and because this is mostly my fault.”

“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

“Can I ask your name?”

“Ji soo”

The name surprised me again and I could tell the surprise was visible on my face from the way this eyes creased in amusement. 

I huffed out a laugh and spoke under my breath, “Seems like that name follows me around wherever I go... The MC told me you were looking forward to meeting me.”

He relaxed a bit leaning on one of the stall doors, “Yeah, your my ideal type.”

I stared at him in shock, “what?”

He let the silence stretch after my question giving me the opportunity to really take a good look at him, he was just a few inches taller than me but in this moment he towered over me. He had this playful look on his face but his eyes looked calculating. I could feel the tension, all of a sudden it started feeling unbearably humid. 

He took two slow steps towards and said so quietly that I almost couldn’t hear, “You heard me.”

I felt like my breath was stuck in my throat and my hands started to get clammy. I was looking into his eyes dumbstruck by what was going on when he gently removed my blazer and tie, undid my shirt buttons, removed my cuff links. 

Everything was moving in slow motion almost like an out of body experience.  
He whispered, ”Lift your arms please” and that’s when I snapped out of it. 

I had nowhere to backup as I was already leaning on the sink so I gently pushed him back and quickly took my shirt off. I turned around and hurriedly rebuttoned my shirt all the while staring at him through the mirror. 

“So your gay?”

He quietly laughed, “I’ve been with men and women.”

“I’m sorry Jisoo shi but I have a girlfriend and well I’m heterosexual.”

“I’m aware of the girlfriend part, my bestfriend is labelmates with her. I don’t think you guys are a match, and as for you being straight, well it’s definitely a possibility but you haven’t looked down at your erection.”

I immediately look down at the tent in my pants and inwardly curse, how had I not noticed that he gave me a hard on.

I turned towards him again, tucking in my shirt and fixing my cuff links. 

“Namjoon shi, what year were you born?”

“Erm.. 94’ ” 

He picked up my tie and turned up my collar, with each movement making me feel like I’m being entranced again. He handed me my blazer and handed me a piece of paper. 

“This is my number, if I don’t text back or pickup right away it means I’m on set. I’m patient enough to let you take your time and if you aren’t interested I’ll give up. I know you’re a good guy which is why I’m being so forward but please keep in mind that if you share my interest in you it could ruin my career.”

“Ji soo shi I would never do that.” 

He smirked, grabbed my dirty shirt and started walking backwards towards the door. 

“I’ll get this dry cleaned and hand it back to you, and next time call me hyung. I’m a year older than you.”

 

————//—///—-///—//————

 

The rest of the evening had me a bit on edge. My hair and makeup staff rushed to make me look presentable the moment I exited the restroom and almost pushed me onto the stage. I presented the award with a female broadcast executive that had an excruciatingly high pitched voice but was overall accommodating to fact that I was jittery. 

We presented an award to an idol Hoobae who mentioned the honor it was to receive an award from me which made me happy but I was too aware of the events that transpired earlier in the restroom to listen to the rest of his speech. 

As I stood to the side of the stage, lights glaring in my face I couldn’t help thinking about Ji soo. He tipped me off my axis in moments, I was admittedly more vulnerable after my minor panic attack but he made me truly question the nature of my attraction to him. 

I’m not one to deny reality, there was falic proof that I’m attracted to him but does that make me gay. I’ve been attracted to women my whole life. My members are as handsome as you can get from an objective perspective and yet I’ve never been attracted to them. 

If I’m bisexual does that mean I need to come out, do I need to inform people of my sexual confusion after one boner. If this isn’t just a onetime sexual misstep I foresee my life and career being quite difficult in Korean society. And just like that mind whirls through worst case scenarios and my life and career dissolving before my eyes. 

Shaking all the thoughts out of my head, I’m lead off the stage and back into the seating area. I spot Ji soo sitting at my table and I realize he’s been there all along I just paid him no attention him. There would be no way I could go back to classifying him as the actor/male model from before. 

As I sit down I find a plate full of food and a champagne glass in front of me. “You looked handsome out there. I made you a plate, we’ll talk when I come back.”

He squeezed my shoulder and got up to leave. I could feel the imprint of his hand on my skin the whole time he was on screen presenting.


	9. Stimulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, wrote the whole chapter then realized I didn’t save it. Had to rewrite the whole thing.... TWICE! 
> 
> Also a few things to keep in mind because both of the love interests in this story have the same name. 
> 
> Jisoo = Female Blackpink member 
> 
> Ji Soo = Male Actor

Everyone in my life knows I love rainy days. My managers usually prepare themselves to drop me off at local gardens or cafes the moment precipitation shows up on the forecast.

I shrug on my trench coat and grab my umbrella ready to take on the day. I plan on reading for a bit at my favorite book after getting a coffee and strolling through the neighborhood garden. 

Rarely do I take walks on my own or take public transportation because of security reasons but today feels different. I needed the rain today. It’s been a week since the award ceremony and I feel like a rubber band that’s about to snap. 

With my coffee in hand I walk slow trying to take in the green leaves before the start falling. The music in ear pauses as I get a text message. 

Jisoo 

“What are you doing tonight?”

 

I’ve been speaking to her more frequently since the my encounter with Ji soo. I’m not sure if it’s love or guilt but I’ve realized I don’t want to give her up. 

Namjoon 

“Seeing you?”

I reply hoping that we could spend some time together before our schedules both get hectic. 

Jisoo 

“I wish I could, I’m in practice all day TT TT “

I’m not sure if my quick exhale is relief or sadness but it feels like a combination of both. I think I love her but i’m also stuck resenting her. Stuck dreaming about him...

The raining has stopped so I take this opportunity to take a seat. I crumble a few pieces of my croissant for a squirrel near by and just meditate.

 

I try to clear all thoughts from my head, all stressors, everything. I stay like this for what seems an eternity when my phone rings. 

“Hyung!”  
“Jiminah, what’s up?”  
“Can you please get a few bottles of soju back home with you?”  
“How many?”  
“10”  
“Why?”  
“We’re making dinner and want some soju, come soon or we’ll start without you!”

Looking at the time I realize it’s already 6pm, i’ve been meditating for most of the day and my butt feels numb.

“I’ll be there soon, don’t start without me.”

——————///—/—————-

As I walk into the convenience store I try and remember if I need a few things.  
I start with ice cream as do all shoppers of sound mind. I make sure to get one for each of the members and 2 for myself. I buy a few packs of ramen, a razor, and some beer. As I open the refrigerator door holding the soju I spot his face. He’s smiling and raising his glass in an advertisement plastered all over each soju bottle. I shake off the initial shock and start filling my basket. Before I checkout I remember I need condoms if I plan on sleeping with Jisoo anytime soon so I stock up and get 3 packs. The cashier eyes me up and down and I can see the realization of who I am dawn on him. He starts hurriedly packing my stuff before shyly asking for an autograph.

—————///———-//——

“SURPRISE!!!!!!”

As I see a small crowd of my friends and colleagues gathered in my dorms hallway I realize it’s my birthday. I didn’t know but the fact that people I know and live are here celebrating me and surprising me makes me teary eyed. I can feel myself getting red as I try to hold back tears and that’s when I hear a faint “qiyowo” I look up and I find him smiling at me. Ji soo is in my house smiling at me and calling me cute, on my birthday..

I try and calm myself down as I start hugging and thanking people. I finally spot Ji soo in a crowd by taehyung, “Hyung this is Ji soo sshi and you know Seo joon hyung, I hope you don’t mind but I invited them because they’re shooting a drama in the area.”

“I don’t mind at all, thank you both for being here.”

“Hyung, do you want to go change out of your clothes and i’ll take the bags?”

“I’ll take care of it you stay with your friends.”

“Actually, if it’s not too much trouble can you show me to the restroom?”

I paused knowing that this was going to be the beginning that I had no control of. He’s here at my party and I feel vulnerable.

“Not a problem.”

He follows me and the second we’re out of ear shot he takes the shopping bags out of my hands and lead the way to the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m unpacking your groceries.”

I watch him make his way through the shopping bags without a second glance at me. He pulls out the soju with his face on it, his smile growing wider.

"If you wanted to see me you could have just reached out.. I've been waiting for your text anyway."

"It was the cheapest brand."

He arches his brow while pulling out the pack of condoms I purchased earlier, "You really are surprising aren't you?"

I can feel myself heating up as I grab the pack out of his grasp.

"I need a drink..."

I walk over and grab two glasses and fix us some highballs, making sure that mine is stronger to ease my jitters. He takes a small sip of his drink while I down mine in one go flipping my cup over on the counter.

"Well, this was a pleasure but I must excuse myself. The restroom is down the hall, third door to your left."

As i walk away, I can feel him follow me down the corridor and into the walk-in closet. He closes the door behind him and flicks the lock.

"You have got to be kidding me, this is borderline stalking now."

The second the words leave my mouth I know I'm going to get a different reaction from Ji soo. His demeanor immediately shifts from playful to scary. His jaw clenches and clenches while his posture stiffens.

"Namjoon shi, while I must admit that I've come on to you a bit stronger than intended please don't call me a stalker. It's rude."

"Ji soo shi, why are you even here? I've made myself pretty clear by not texting or calling you."

He takes a few steps towards me, while quietly laughing.

"Please, call me hyung....... I was invited by my senior costar to a party, I couldn't refuse even if I wanted too. I had no idea it was your birthday, but i had a hunch you'd be here considering you live here. I must admit the chance to see you again made me excited. I was hurt when you didn't get in touch with me but that's to be expected.."

"I'm in love with my girlfriend."

He stiffens again, now inches away from me looking at the rack of clothing to his side.He examines one of hoseoks hoodies, one of jimins jackets, and lands on a kimono of mine. He starts feeling the fabric in almost a reverent way and then turns to face me again.

"I'm not a fool and neither are you, you don't love her. I'm sure of it.. You want me and your brain doesn't know how to react to your attraction to me, your body moves on it's own like you're possessed around me. I know this is probably new for you but don't ignore this because your scared."

His finger is lightly tracing circles on my palm, then tracing the design on my shirt up my arm.

"I'm not scared, fear isn't playing a role in this. I'm just not interested."

His touch stops and he takes a sip of his abandoned drink, he looks at me for a few seconds and exhales, "ok."   
He walks out of the closet and as soon as he's gone I exhale in relief, until I look down and spot a stiff bulge in my pants.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

It's almost midnight and most of the guests have left, but as expected Ji soo is still here. He's kept to himself since our conversation in the closet, excluding the fact that every few minutes a girl is hanging all over him. He looks utterly wasted which is surprising since he hasn't even made eye contact with me since our exchange, he slowly gets up and pulls on his leather jacket as he says, "Ok everyone, it was a pleasure meeting you all. Namjoon shi Happy Birthday. I've got to get going I have a shoot early tomorrow."

Taehyung springs into actions, "Hyung, don't go that means Seo Joon hyung needs to leave too!!"

At that moment the door bell rings and I'm surprised at who i see on the intercom video screen , it's Jisoo at the door. As i get up I see Jin hyung already opening the door and in comes the members of Blackpink. Everyone stands to greet them but I'm the only one that gets tackled by hugs.

"You made it! I thought you'd be practicing all night?"

"I fooled you didn't I, well technically I have been practicing but I couldn't just miss your birthday. You thought I'd forgotten didn't you?"

"I couldn't have thought that because I actually forgot my birthday."

Hearing her giggle again makes me feel relieved, I'm glad I can still make her laugh.

"Oppa!! You're here? How do you know Namjoon?"

The second I turn I realize she's talking to Ji soo.

"Yah! Lower your voice a little I'm too drunk for yelling."

"Oppa! Why haven't I seen you at agency recently, did you fight with Joo Hyuk oppa again?"

"No, I've been filming. I'm actually heading out now."

"No, you can't I just got here!! Let's do karaoke, It's been ages since we went to a karaoke bar together!"

I blink one, twice, three times and I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in. Like this is all a hallucination.

"You guys know each other?"

"Of course, this is Ji soo oppa we've been close since my trainee days and he was a rookie actor. We're name twins so its fate."

I must have looked dumbfounded because Ji soo starts chuckling, " Yah! How can you say that to your boyfriend, fate my ass. You've been clinging on to me for years because I buy you BBQ every time we see each other."

Jisoo giggles again, this time softly hitting Ji soo on the shoulder.

Sadly, he doesn't leave as planned. Enough people insist he stays until karaoke is over and we can blow out candles on a cake. I silently witness her squish herself onto Ji soo's side while they sing a duet about a lost love and I sit to the side watching them. Dread starts to fill my stomach as Ji soo makes eye contact with me, he doesn't look condescending or happy with himself and I can't bare to look away. He almost looks sad, in that moment I can feel his sincerity. The emptiness in his eyes almost seems like he's pleading with me to save him, but I don't.


	10. Two roads left untaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone please keep in mind that there are no villains in this story. I love all the real life people that these characters are based off of so there is no ill intention with the dynamic shift of the story. 
> 
> People are complex and they make mistakes. On a lighter note thank you so much for the love and give me some feedback 💕

“Hyung, rap for us!!!”

I feel like everything is happening in slow motion as the microphone is shoved into my hand. The karaoke machine is old, we’ve had it since our debut but we never had the heart to throw it away. I can feel my world tipping on its axis as I start rapping to my favorite Epik High track. 

I lost count how many drinks I downed since the start of karaoke. 5? 6? Something around there and on an empty stomach. I can sense how sloppy I’ve become by the reaction in the room. A few people have their phones out but everyone is laughing. I’m glad at least they’re having a good time. As I look around I realize Jisoo isn’t watching, dismissing it to her taking a trip to the bathroom I finish the rest of my verse before handing the mic to Hoseok to finish it off. 

I give everyone the excuse that I need to use the bathroom. Feeling the need to get comfortable I make my way to my room and change out of my clothes and into a hoodie and some sweats. I take a long look in the mirror assessing just how drunk I look before I find Jisoo, I’m as red as a tomato and my eyes look even smaller than they usually do but at least I still have a bit of my cognitive functions left. 

I leave my room and take the short walk to the bathroom but I just stand outside. I can tell Jisoo is still using the bathroom by the sound of the water running. The faucet stops running and I can hear a guy inside the bathroom, “You aren’t even interested in me... just leave it be.”

“Oppa, I know he’s gonna breakup with me just help me make him jealous.”

“He’s in love with you, at least he thinks he is. He lights up when you’re around.”

“That’s because he’s sweet but I can tell things have changed. Ever since that scandal he doesn’t seem present when he’s with me. It’s like he’s lightyears away.”

“Is that why you want to use me? And what if he finds out we slept together? What then?”

“He won’t! My members don’t even know. And does it even count as us having sex, you didn’t even cum.”

“Stop saying that! You know the relationship I just got out of.. and I was sad.”

“I know, I just don’t get why you won’t help me, it’s not like you have anything to lose.”

“Jisoo yah, he’s a nice guy I don’t want to be a part of whatever this is. If it’s over between you guys then just try and move on.”

“I know he’s the one for me, no one has treated me with so much respect before. I feel like we make the perfect package. Plus our kids would look adorable.”

“You sound superficial as fuck.”

“Oppa, don’t forget I have dirt on you.”

“Hah! Princess Jisoo you’re beautiful, you’re kind, you’re talented, you’re the whole package so stop trying to make me believe you’re a bitch. You’re being needy and over obsessing about a guy which can happen from time to time but don’t make it change you into this kind of person.”

I could hear her start to cry now, sniffling every few seconds, and I could hear him gently patting her back. 

A few moments pass and I could hear the faucet turning on again. 

“I want you to get freshened up and go out there and be the Jisoo I met 6 years ago, don’t run away just because it’s difficult. Face it head on. I’m gonna leave first, you wait a few minutes.”

The door opens with Ji soo’s back to me, he softly closes the door and quickly turns meeting me face to face. I can see the look of shock on his face and his mouth opening and closing before I grab his hand and rush to my room closing and locking the door behind us.

“Namjoon listen...”

The adrenaline and alcohol coursing through my body makes for a toxic combination because all I can see is red. I grab his throat tightly squeezing with both my hands. I can see the panic in his eyes and his face starts turning pink then red. I see him thrashing around pleading with his eyes tapping my hands until he gives up and punches me in the face.

I fall to the floor and stay there holding my busted lip. Ji soo is on the floor hyperventilating and coughing profusely. He looks shocked and starts shaking like a leaf. The state of rage I’m in slowly starts to wane as I see how much damage I’ve caused. 

“You planning on killing me here at your birthday party?”

I try and stand but feel too dizzy and sit back down on the floor.

“You slept with Jisoo...”

He sits up leaning on the door and looks at me with those sad eyes again, “ yeah.”

“Then why are you trying to seduce me? What your endgame here?”

“We slept together when your scandal broke, we were drunk and I just got out of a really bad relationship and... and.. I’m sorry..”

He starts crying now, full sobbing. He runs his knuckles over his eyes trying to make himself stop but it doesn’t work. I get up and get him a few tissues.

“Doesn’t answer why you’re trying it on with me.”

He exhales with a shrug, “I’m drawn to you like a moth to a flame, corny crap I know but it’s true. I was a casual fan for a few years but that changed after the scandal broke, I’ve known Jisoo for years but we’ve never once been romantic and I’ve never seen her be as destructive as she was that day. I got curious about you and started reading article after article about you, I listened to your music, I watched the video of your panic attack. I could recognize the signs right away that’s when I knew we could understand each other.”

“You’re fucking delusional.. Look I understand that you found some solace in whatever this imaginary relationship you think we have is after your breakup but this is crossing a line.”

“I never wanted any of this.. I just.. I really like you and I felt like we could make each other happy and when I saw you at the award show I couldn’t help myself.. I think enough is enough though... I’m gonna go now.”

He was crying again and I could feel my heart ache at the sight but I couldn’t forgive him.. he understood that. He paused in front of me, slightly bowed, unlocked the door and walked out.

——————————————-

I fell asleep in my bed shortly after he left, sometime during the night I felt Jisoo sneak into my room and get into my bed. I couldn’t stop myself from cuddling with her, I could tell she wanted more from the amount of times the rubbed her ass on my crotch but I couldn’t get hard. Not after today. 

I lay there with her in my arms watching her sleep, the sun had risen illuminating her pretty face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as beautiful as her but so much has happened that as I’m admiring her I can see the end in sight. I feel depressed and disheartened and i can feel the bile rising in my throat. I sit up trying to calm my nerves and will away the panic... 10.. 9.. 8... I spot the tissues on the floor and I remember what that anger felt like last night. It takes some time but I relax and lay back down. 

“What happened to your lip?”

I turn and look at her worried face, “ I tripped.”

She belts out an exasperated laugh, “You’re a hazard to yourself, I swear.

“Jisoo yah...... I overheard everything in the bathroom last night.”

She sits up right away and starts crying, “Wait, Namjoonah wait, I can explain.”

I grab her face and kiss her, at first it’s soft and with care and then it evolves into us fervently making out. I pull away, “Namjoon, I can fix this!”

Tears are streaming down her face and my heart breaks for her. She climbs into my lap and holds on to me for dear life and all I can do is embrace her back. I want to be angry at her, hell I am angry at her but it would all be for nothing. 

I take her face in my hands, wiping at her tear streaked face. “Yah, look at me.”

She deflates as she looks up at me, “We knew it was over, and we tried again. We failed. I’ll always love you but if we keep going it’ll hurt us both in ways we can never fix.”

She just sits still for a few minutes making no moves to speak. In the silence I can feel my exhaustion and need to get this over with. I pickup my phone from the side table and dial her manager’s number asking him to come pick Jisoo up.

Twenty minutes go by and neither of us says anything. She stares into nothing as she finds her purse and walks out not bothering with any goodbyes.

I start crying then, feeling like a failure. I always find myself alone no matter what. In this moment I can feel nothing but grief for my relationship but more importantly for myself because I feel dead inside.


	11. His profile

I thought eventually my stage fright would decrease but the stages just kept getting bigger. Every time I speak, “sing”, or rap into a mic I can feel the stiffness in my spine travel all the way down my body. I have that feeling tonight without even being on stage yet. It’s the day before Christmas Eve and you guessed it, BTS is at an award ceremony. “Just another work day”, as yoongi hyung says.

It’s sure to be an awkward occasion as my ex is performing after this commercial break and Ji soo the man that my ex cheated on me with is a Co-MC for the event. 

It’s been radio silence from the both of them and i’m glad. I’ve had a few months of non stop international promotions and this is just our second domestic schedule since returning to Korea. In the meantime I’ve started enjoying a variety of different adult films and I realize now that I’m just as attracted to men than I am women. This of course is no longer a surprise to me considering Ji soo gave me 3 1/2 hard ons, opening up a new wave of exploration for me. After my grief over my failed relationship subsided I threw myself into music, I reflected on my mistakes and started to unravel my dormant sexuality with my therapist. I’ve been thinking about him more frequently, Ji soo. It’s not because i’m Interested in him or have animosity towards him, I’m just curious. I’m mostly curious about why he liked me so much he was willing to sabotage not only his friendship but his career. I thought about calling him every time I got a little too tipsy but decided against embarrassing myself.

As I play with the water bottle on my table the stage starts transforming into a pink maze. The background music building up tension until Lisa takes the stage in a camouflage moulin rouge type outfit. She dances with perfection and hobi erupts with applause. Jisoo and the rest of her members emerge trapped in the maze walls trying to get out when the stage goes dark. The crowd erupts as their new song starts up. They eat up the stage and all I feel is pride. Jisoo has always been an amazing performer and even though she hasn’t made eye contact with me all night I can with confidence say that there is no bad blood.

There are only 3 stages left until our performance so we head backstage to get ready. As I pass the stand by room I see her laughing with her manager, then I see her notice me and stop laughing. I give her a thumbs up and I feel warm inside when I see her grin back at me. 

The stage manager suggested I do a solo intro when we got invited to the ceremony, so here I am warming up separately from my team members. I glance to the side as I’m cracking my neck and watch as the Mc’s make their way towards me. There are three of them, the first to approach me and shake my hand is a very well respected senior comedian that mostly hosts shows on cable networks now. He showers me with compliments and expresses how excited he is for our stage, Ji soo silently bows and makes no effort to talk. He hasn’t tried to contact me since my birthday and has been avoiding me like the plague all night which makes this social interaction even more awkward. The third MC is a senior idol girl group member turned rookie actress, after school’s Nana. Her beauty catches me off guard as she shakes my hand, I stutter back a greeting and compliment her on how beautiful she looks. I spot a slight blush on her face and then see Ji soo dramatically role his eyes. I arch an eyebrow at him and start bowing, ”excuse me but I have to be at my mark in 40 seconds.” They all bow as they return to their positions.

I stand at my mark as I hear the base reverberate through the stage, my stage fright is taking over me again but I try to shake it off and loosen up. It works, I shred through my verses and stay In sync through most of the dancing. As the confetti shoots out and I can see the end of the performance in sight I catch Ji soo staring up at me clapping in admiration. We get a standing ovation not just from our precious fans and audience but from our peers which feels so rewarding already. 

We practically crawl back to our dressing room to wipe off our sweat and get a drink of water before we head back out to receive our daesang award. We take our seats and listen to the presenters trying to build up some momentum before announcing the winners, we’ve never outwardly expressed our expectations but we’ve also come to have an easy confidence when it comes to award ceremonies except when it comes to the daesang.

We won, and my stage fright is back in full force. I compose myself and give a heartfelt dedication to our family, our fans, and our staff. As I hand our maknae the mic to give his speech I bump into Ji soo, he quickly puts his hand in my back and steady’s me. I shrink at his touch, it’s like his hand is burning hot lava and As cliche as it sounds I’m enjoying getting burned. I turn to look at him and his eyes are glued to his cue cards. His hand starts rubbing at my lower back, I stare at his side profile trying to understand him. All I can do Is wait for him to look back at me.


End file.
